By Julianne Haycox
Julianne Haycox has faced challenges nobody should ever have to. While navigating the unforeseen death of her beloved brother, she was diagnosed with aggressive cervical cancer while pregnant, resulting in the loss of her baby boy. But Julianne is steadfast on not just dwelling on the hurt in life, but recognizing all of life’s blessings, even during the darker times. Shortly after losing her son, she was able to press on and have a child through the miracle of surrogacy.
Haycox is now sharing her moving story of heartache, hope and inspiration to keep moving forward in the face of adversity in her new memoir, Conversations with Grace. In Conversations with Grace, through openly and vulnerably sharing her difficult journey and ability to remain positive in the midst of hardships, Julianne encourages readers to unearth their own individual strength, notice the miracles all around them, and find a greater sense of joy and peace in any circumstance. In gorgeously written prose, Conversations with Grace explores how one can be guided through the most unpleasant seasons of life and not only survive, but evolve and grow as a result. This memoir is sure to appeal to mothers, daughters, mothers-to-be, fathers, and brothers anyone looking for inspiration, and to connect with a higher sense of love. “Even though I faced many hardships, I am still so astounded by the miracles in life we experience, every single day,” Julianne says. “In every heartbreak there is a blessing. I wade through the challenges of life to discover that lesson, and suddenly find myself afloat on that blessing.”
In all its parables, nature beautifully illustrates and heightens life’s truths and wisdom while graciously teaching valuable lessons and bringing the gift of inspiration to those that stand open in its illumination. To be grounded to the earth, witnessing the magical cycles of creation in nature is to encounter the discernible embodiment of the Divine intimately. As an adult, when I found myself secluded in nature as I had when I was a young girl, the quiet felt oddly familiar. I had to welcome it back into my life and remember it in my soul. I had strayed so far from its expansive harmony that I stood in the eye of my own storm. I realized that I had been living like a character in everyone else’s lives, and it was then that the winds began to whip in to garner my attention and will back.
When there is loss, whether it’s a friendship or the life of a loved one, first we see grief and only grief. Nature presents loss in a very different way. During the storm, trees bend and sway in the screaming, testing winds. Leaves are stripped from the limbs. When the air becomes still, the tree stands strong and tall, reaching for the light. Nature imparts upon all of us an understanding of life, but you must listen and follow its lead.
In coming back to myself, my first encounter of an obvious assigned lesson involved a huge snapping turtle. It was late June, and I was driving home midmorning and had just turned onto my quiet, one-lane street. Clawing slowly across my path was a curiously large reptile. I stopped and got out of the car to realize that this wasn’t the usual box turtle that I occasionally encountered. This snapper had a sharp pointed nose and folded, thick brownish-grey skin that resembled tumbled stone.
His shell was grey and gritty with baked-on mud, looking like a steel helmet in need of a good shine. His leathery prehistoric legs and knife-like claws clenched the asphalt with no obvious intention to retract. His powerful jaw opened fiercely to let me know that he wasn’t messing around. Typically nocturnal and rarely seen out of their aquatic habitat traveling across the land, he was my first and most explicit clue to begin the examination of my life. I patiently waited for him to cross the road and clear my path.
As much as I knew that this was indeed a sign, I didn’t know what it meant. This unknown was an opening, an opportunity to curate. I reached out to my yoga teacher and dear friend, Angela; this made sense to me. Angela had practiced living a conscious lifestyle for decades and nourished herself over the years with knowledge in spiritual development, breathwork, and animal spirits, just to name a few. I was compelled to decipher the meaning of this message, and I knew I needed to be selective in my search—Angela was the answer. She returned my email with an excerpt from the Medicine Cards book. I read how the turtle is the oldest symbol for planet earth in Native American teachings, along with other engaging and very significant meanings. The meanings all correlated with my life, and as time passed, the metaphors were as clear as crystal.
The most poignant meaning to me was the understanding of protection. The earth’s protection comes in the form of change, new growth, and necessary alterations. There I was, with the edifying hands of the Universe placed upon my shoulders, pointing me in the direction of my learned path and in the direction of change and necessary alterations.
The next morning brought a reiteration of the previous days’ lesson in case I didn’t grasp the loaded meaning the first time around. I raised the shade on my front window letting the morning light into the room and granting me my first glance of the world outside. I stopped in my tracks. There he was, the snapping turtle in my driveway, which was a good 500 to 600 yards away from where we first met yesterday. I couldn’t help but stand and stare and feel the inaugural turn of the key that was unlocking my soul.
Nature has an innate and beautifully calming ability to listen to us and command our undivided attention.
Nature is fluid and welcoming and forever at the perfect and precise juncture where one is compelled to step into it. Allowing the unexpected in proves its intelligence and grace. A relationship with the natural world is incredibly powerful, and once you commit yourself to it, you find its sincere essence mesmerizing. With a deep understanding and realization of our true connection to all things, we can become virtuous, completely present, and at peace. What we become from this connection, we graciously bring forth into the world.
At that time in my life, I found myself dissolving into the natural world. It became my spiritual alchemy. I became its chosen, obedient disciple, embracing its power and standing open to receive. I was connected to the intense spirit.
Albert Einstein once said, “The most beautiful and most profound emotion we can experience is this sensation of the mystical.” Nature is an intoxicating mystery. The most esoteric bequests from the natural world are those that are unusual and so out of form that you know to shine a light on them.
A few months after the significant visits from the snapping turtle, I experienced another extraordinary visit. I was sitting in my backyard on a Sunday afternoon. The fall air was crisp, so the warm sun felt like a light blanket. Out of nowhere came what sounded like a train off in the distance. What made this sound odd is that we don’t live anywhere near train tracks. The sound of rolling thunder soon changed into a colossal chorus of chirps suppressing any and all sound in the vicinity. I looked up to a billowing black carpet that intentionally swept down and covered the trees surrounding me. The green turned to black; hundreds and hundreds of grackles that dominated my attention eclipsed the leaves.
I couldn’t help but become mesmerized by this dense, elaborate exhibit, and as quickly as the birds came, they ascended in unison in acoustic murmuration. Their rhythmic vibration oscillated through me as they departed with the healthy hum of a well-oiled machine. I watched in amazement as their combined force enveloped me and left me feeling as though the intensity could lift me into their swirling sphere. They ambled west, turning and maneuvering into graceful shapes reminiscent of drifting jellyfish. I had to leave this marvel behind. Life was calling. It was time to drive my daughter to meet another parent driving the girls to lacrosse practice. The dad that was shuttling the girls to practice is one that is thankfully awakened to life’s curiosities. I was excited to share. He smiled and said, “I believe you just received a blessing!” I was filled with joy! Like manna from Heaven, I was honorably taking in the spiritual feast for all that it was meant to be.
When I returned home, I opened my Medicine Cards book to discover that the teaching of the grackle is to transcend the congestion of old emotions. The message was undeniable and timed precisely with that particular juncture in my life. I went on to read how emotions that are not handled and cleared could cause congestion in the body and, in turn, cause physical illnesses. I knew this, and I knew that an emotional clearing was overdue. I had started the untangling, but this was a process that wouldn’t happen overnight. The assemblage of grackles was like my support group, and they were letting me know that I was on track. They were phenomena of nature confirming my work at hand.
Indigenous elders have been relating with Mother Earth and all God’s creatures for centuries. Mastering the virtue and intelligence in the messages, these elders hand down the gift of communicating with all living things, showing us that acquiring wisdom nurtures respect. Getting to know all creatures that you come into contact with not only gives you an opportunity to learn something new, but it opens the door to understanding the being rather than fearing it. This opening raises our consciousness and carries us along on our purposeful path. Go, walk down the road that you have not discovered and lean in, feel yourself in close harmony with the natural world and behold the higher powers awakening within you.
A simple but mindful walk outdoors can be so rewarding and even induce meditation. Allowing ourselves to be quiet and settled in on a walk is incredibly renewing, nourishing, and powerfully healing. The natural world and the Divine recognize our loneliness, our fear, and our pain. Give the message a chance to come. Our reward awaits in the heightened connection only experienced in the stillness. You will see and hear nature communicate its understanding and impart upon you the ability to tap into your answers.
