How Ordinary Angels Help Free the Hopelessly Stuck
By Susan E. Foster
How do you escape the abusers in your life? Why is leaving them behind while moving forward so difficult?
“I call them ‘Charming Impossibles’––charm in their deceptive invisible mask and convincing lure. Impossible to satisfy is their secret weapon or intentional method of manipulation and control.”
~Susan E Foster
Have you ever met someone so captivating and alluring that they were the center of attention in every room?
I have. But at home, behind closed doors, out of the eye of others, he was entirely different. He was charming on the outside, but at home with his own family, he was a different kind of charming: he was a tormentor. Reflecting on my own journey navigating, sieving, and dealing with this type of confusing personality, I wondered how many others are out there. How many people were suffering in confusion and silence under the confusing, chaotic domination of another such individual?
I suspect there are more that we know.
I wrote this book for them. If you are one of them, I hope you can hear my story and see that not only is it not normal to suffer the way I did, but most importantly, I hope you can learn from the mistakes I made while living in fear. I hope to encourage those who need to leave, to do so. You deserve more. You’re worth more. You do not need to stay with someone who is charming, yet impossible. I also wrote this for the fortunate outside who has never suffered like this. I hope you grow in understanding the potential role you play in all of this without even knowing it.
“I call them “Charming Impossible.” They could be in your family; in your neighborhood; at your office, schools, and place of worship; or even leading your political and social movements. They might include your mother, your father, or your spouse or in-laws. They are acquaintances, strangers, and friends. They are managers and agents of superstars.
Abusive people are great pretenders, masters in not revealing their true insincerity, hiding behind a big smile, or manifesting self-superiority. They are masters at appearing caring and kind as they manipulate anyone in the path toward their objective: control and domination. The spectrum ranges from mean girls and bullies on the playground to the Hannibal Lector and Ted Bundy types, with most falling some- where in between. Charm is their convincing lure and invisible mask. Impossible to satisfy is their secret weapon or intentional method of control. Their approval strategically remains just beyond reach. This empowers their manipulative strategizing as they move “goalposts” when need be. By never allowing their Target to achieve their elusive approval, they insidiously maintain power and control.
The other portion of humanity is people I call “Kinfolk,” as we are truly all related. Among these kinfolks are jerks: mean-spirited, challenging people and lovely, wonderful, beautiful people. What separates Kinfolk from Charming Impossible is that they want to feel loved and valued. They desire peace. Among Kinfolk are a shared desire for joy and well-being for others and themselves. Abusers know this and are good at playing to the basic human needs of Kinfolk by brilliantly appearing caring, magnetically luring trust and support from key people in their sphere of influence and, more importantly, from the sphere of influence surrounding their Target, their victim of choice. In politics, those who fall prey to such tyrannical charm are referred to as “Useful Idiots.” For those who fall prey to such charm in the domestic and business world, I call them “Enablers Unaware,” as these folks keep the Charming Impossible empowered to continue abusing the Target, causing their Target to remain “Hopelessly Stuck.”
According to the NCADV (the National Coalition against Domestic Violence), one in four women and one in seven men in the United States have been victims of severe physical violence (e.g., beating, burning, or strangling) by an intimate partner in their lifetime. One in three girls will be sexually or emotionally violated by an abusive person they know and/or trust before the age of 18. Those numbers are derived from instances of abuse reported to the police and mental health authorities; however, many experts believe that numerous of abuse go unreported. It is believed that if all cases of innocents being abused were reported, perhaps as many as half our population has personally been the victim of some form of mental, physical, or emotional abuse.
What complicates the situation is the chasm of misunderstanding that exists between those who have suffered childhood trauma, an abusive spouse, boss, or spiritual leader from those who have not. Unless you’ve endured it personally, it’s nearly impossible to understand or truly comprehend. Responses, fears, reactions, and defensive decision-making resulting from physical, sexual, mental, emotional, or spiritual abuse are unique to responses
of unwarranted meanness or harsh treatment from someone else in the other 95 percent of our communities. What sets Charming Impossibles apart is their insidious skill of intended targeting and diabolical planning. They intentionally strike where they know their Target is most vulnerable while controlling who sees only their charm. They simultaneously chip away at their Target’s support system while systematically winning over the devotion of that same system to themselves, eventually isolating their Target completely.
Charming Impossibles choose their victims for positive and nurturing energy in which to feast. Abusers maliciously attack the Target, triggering an intentional and completely different kind of self-doubt, confusion, and loss of sense of self that only abusers are capable of causing.
Charming Impossibles target and strategically choose those who believe everyone has “good” in them. They choose good, healthy people. They are phony yet brilliant pretenders who attack to dominate certain Targets and pull invisible strings through deceitful charm, orchestrating multiple other people’s lives.
Beware when someone is going after your empathy or your devotion. By the simple act of listening to their whisper in your ear, pulling you away from one, or turning you against another, you may have judged another precisely as planned by being manipulated by such an invisible string without even knowing it. Hopefully, I can show how anyone, and I mean anyone, can fall prey to the manipulation of Charming Impossibles. Hopefully, more of our community will begin to understand how they trigger an intentional and completely different kind of self-doubt and confusion in their victims, making them feel as though they are the crazy ones in a way that those who have been targeted don’t understand. These emotional leeches suck the very life out of their victims, emotionally and sometimes physically, as well.
Childhood trauma (emotional or physical) changes the physiology of the brain. A team from the McGill Group for Suicide Studies at the Douglas Mental Health University Institute and the Mcgill University in Montreal, Canada, aims to decipher how a history of abuse can impact key brain mechanisms, affecting mental health.
With no personal reference points, those who have never suffered abuse don’t truly understand what an abused sufferer has undergone. More importantly, they are also prime targets to play yet another role for the Charming Impossible. To keep victims stuck, these sociopathic abusers spin a separate web of confusion around the victim’s support network. This causes the victim to feel Hopelessly Stuck while Enablers Unaware around them misunderstand, isolate, and don’t believe them.
Enablers Unaware, too, are victims of the same invisible strings controlling the Hopelessly Stuck. Before you proudly declare you would never fall prey as a victim, you might want to think again.
Victims remain Hopelessly Stuck because they feel they have no one to whom to turn. These narcissists cleverly orchestrate how others respond to their Target by spinning stories or webs of confusion into ears of people surrounding the Target, creating a team of Enablers Unaware.
Having spoken about my experience has opened doors for me to meet many women and men who have endured living under tyrannically chaotic, abusive manipulation. For many Hopelessly Stuck, leaving is the most traumatic, abusive, terrifying option of all.
Leaving a Charming Impossible is very risky. Experts say the most dangerous time in such a victim’s life is right after they leave. When a victim leaves, some outsiders are sure to judge, condemn, and side with the abuser.
Society has a code of silence for victims of abuse. We are to quietly put it behind us and move forward.
Brene Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston and an expert on courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy says, “If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.” So why did I stay for 21 years? There was a hope that good would eventually come off out of the bad and right all the wrong.
As you will see in my book, there are many good people placed on our paths in this life.
We are not quitters. We don’t give up. We are fighters.
