By Kaydee Ledger
It was several months after I left the Behavioral Health Center No. 2, that I was able to obtain my records and read the report that had been written about my injury. I can’t say I enjoyed reading that report. It was sobering to think it all really happened to me and that a medication reaction could drive me to commit such an act or that I lived through such an experience. But I am in awe that I survived it all. And I’m doing so much better than I shouldbe.
In the latter months of 2017, I had a physical examination and my body was functioning perfectly! I could not believe it. I kept thinking the doctor must have read the report wrong. I was prepared to deal with physical difficulties for the rest of my life and he was telling me I would not. It was indeed a miracle! I am amazed and thankful.
I don’t worry about the remaining repercussions. They don’t hurt. It’s just an inconvenience and since I can do anything I want to do, I’m fine with that. I’ve been through so much worse, the minor remaining effects just seem trivial.
I still have sensitivities related to the last drug usage and discontinuation. I am sensitive to some vitamins, caffeine, and sweets — though my reaction to the sweets is just an overly energetic, bouncy foot for an hour or two, so I still indulge at times.
Since it would have cost thousands per year to purchase the name brand antidepressant that I was put on at Behavioral Health Center No. 2 (because of our new insurance policy), I switched to a cheaper antidepressant which I am currently tapering off very slowly (according to the Ashton Manual recommendations). I had a “burning” reaction to that medication, but thankfully, it slowly subsided. Readjusting my diet and making sure I obtain an American-made generic has allowed the burning to subside completely.
For about two years, I experienced a sensitivity to the sun which caused me to break out in a rash on my skin when it was exposed too long. I did not consider that a major problem, however, as long as I minimized sun exposure and stayed in the shade when possible.
I do get little “jerks” once in awhile, which is a bit bizarre. I have no doubt that is a result of the most recent medication reaction and withdrawal as well. I will see if tapering off the antidepressant will help eliminate those tiny jerks that no one else has noticed so far.
Hot flashes continue to be a daily part of my existence — coming a number of times per day. I wouldn’t be surprised if they lasted the rest of my life. But I don’t worry about them either. They are a “pain,” but are not “painful.”
I can’t complain. I’m not in constant agony and I can enjoy my life. Why would I complain about that?
My life has been gifted back to me. I should not be here, but for some reason, God has preserved my existence in this world. I guess God wants me here, for now!
So what can I do to give back? I wanted to start by sharing my story. It is a very vulnerable thing for me to do, but I’m hoping that my story will comfort and bring hope or motivation to someone else. But as much or more than that, I hope to bring awareness to so many things that affect people’s lives daily when it comes to psychiatric medications, doctors, relationships, parenting messages, religious influences, trauma, and so much more.
I decided to complete and publish the last volume first because I saw that content as the most pressing need. That need was accentuated to me by my daily contact with those who have suffered or continue to suffer from many of the same things I endured. I knew when I was suffering the worst, that I had found comfort in hearing the stories of others who understood what I had been through. I printed out those people’s stories of survival and success whose journeys I could best relate to, and read them over and over again each day.
But one thing that still is a stress to me, is that very inappropriate and dangerous advice regarding psychiatric medications is a very common occurrence. The GABA-affecting medication that I reacted to so severely continues to be prescribed daily to people who are not warned of the quick dependence one develops on it and potentially difficult withdrawal. Nor are people warned of the low rate of benefit provided to many or the adverse effects that tend to eventually emerge for people who use the drug — memory loss being a common one. I cannot think of a day that I have gone to the Facebook support site and not read a report of another person who was told by a doctor to stop or fast taper psychiatric medications (which leads to horrific reactions and sets people up for more problems in the future). Some are prescribed the same GABA-affecting drug I was by their doctors, in unequal amounts or less than three doses per day. (The “three times per day” and “equal amounts” arrangement is very important since the five-to-seven-hour half-life of the drug can set a person up for developing a tolerance very quickly if not adhered to — leading to difficult adverse effects.) People are not told how common and long lasting some adverse effects are or informed of the studies that have proven the damage the drugs do to the brain (like the Stanford University study that indicates that the drug I took prevents the formation of new synapses in the brain).
In regarding to tapering psychiatric medications, the most helpful method for most people was published by Dr. Heather Ashton in 2002. But I found that even doctors who were familiar with the Ashton Manual seemed to ignore that advice. Why doctors would choose to recommend their patients a schedule that has much more potential for adverse reactions and damage to the brain, is heart-wrenching.
When those same people who have been ill-advised, do develop reactions or sensitivities, so many are told that their experiences are invalid and are diagnosed with “functional” diagnoses, conversion disorders, psychosomatic reactions, “somatic” complaints, and labeled hypochondriacs — just as I was. I couldn’t believe the hundreds who reported the same occurrences that I had experienced with doctors.
Because I knew that change needed to happen, I started a Facebook group. Before I closed out my story, I allowed others to give a short synopsis of what they had experienced.
The stories are those of people just like me, many of them having been improperly advised, misdiagnosed and/or mislabeled by doctors who did not understand the respect needed for psychiatric medications and/or the withdrawal potential for what they deemed a “safe” drug.
Romans 8:28 says that “all things work together for good for those who love God . . .” I definitely would have not chosen this journey. It’s not what I ever imagined for my life. I did not seek to be an expert on psychiatric medication reactions or proper tapering methods for psychiatric medications. I never wanted to have “expert” knowledge on depression or trauma, but I am much more of an authority than I ever envisioned or desired to be.
But I can see the path forward now and I see God’s purpose for me in it all. I truly hope my writings can give hope for those who feel that no one understands and encouragement that healing can happen and life can be enjoyed again.
It’s one day at a time (or one hour, or one minute at a time). Don’t worry about tomorrow. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34). But hope exists if we persevere and rely on the support of each other. I give my best wishes to anyone who has been on this difficult journey and hope we can all learn from the accounts detailed in my written work.
