By Agnes Lui
Heart-centered parenting refers to connecting our own hearts to our children’s hearts. There we hear each other and truly connect with love. Through love, we feel how special we all are to one another.
Every child comes to earth in a unique package, with her own personality, mission and lessons to learn. The inner compass is in the heart. When we use our own inner compass, we activate our children’s. When we are connected heart to heart with them, they will then listen to us. Then, someday, they will listen to their own heart.
I have learned many lessons about how to get into a child’s heart. One involves better communication. How can we say what we mean and mean what we say consistently? How can we better listen to children and get them to really pay attention to what we’re saying? What are some effective tools for communication?
Another lesson is that the foundation of a person’s character is built in the heart. If we want our children to possess good values and to develop strong character, we must reach their hearts. They don’t develop character through our endless lectures of “I told you so.” Rather, they learn through our heartfelt connection with them. They need us not only as role models, but also as gentle coaches. Strong character is built from our hearts to their hearts.
And one more very important lesson is the value of praying for our children. Praying comes from the heart, declaring our love and concern, regardless of what religion one belongs to—or even if one has no religion at all. I pray for my child. Not only that, when my son was in high school, we came together as a family to pray.
Effective Communication
Words and actions are major tools of communication. I recall a common childhood chant: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” In truth, words hurt as much as actions. Abrasive words, over time, deeply bruise a person’s psyche as much as hitting a person with a stick wounds the body. The intention is the same: to hurt. The effect verbal abuse has is hard to diagnose in the victim, because it bears no physical scars, whereas physical abuse is easy to see. Thus, words matter at least as much as actions, because their effect is buried in the psyche.
Furthermore, unspoken gestures, tones of voice and innuendo are very much part of communication. You can say much without spoken words and you can hint at hostility indirectly, without confronting the real issue. The other person can observe and feel the message from this kind of unspoken communication. Hostile tones, darting eyes or contorted facial expressions say a lot. Indirect and snippy comments are other ways to express hostility.
As a parent, I go by the motto: “Say what you mean and mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.” There are three parts to this motto: “say what you mean,” “mean what you say,” and “don’t say it mean.” These three parts, in order to be effective, must go together. They are like three horses pulling a wagon—they need to go the same direction.
If I say one thing, then do something contradictory, and do or say it in a mean way, the effect is lost. If I wish to go north, but my words go south and my actions go east, I won’t arrive at my destination. For example, if
I want to teach good eating habits, I forbid my child to eat cookies before dinner. Then I eat cookies before dinner, myself, thinking that he is not watching. The next day, I bake more cookies. Then I use cookies as rewards/punishment, saying that he can only have two cookies if he behaves well. What is the message? My child would battle with these questions: Is it right to eat or not to eat cookies before dinner? How am I supposed to behave? What are the rules? Why can Mom eat cookies without rules? Why don’t Mom’s actions and words match?
We affect our children in subliminal ways through nonverbal actions and gestures, which our children have to interpret. We had a very smart gray and black striped cat named Tiger, who was my son’s special kitty. Tiger was the second of two cats and knew how to dominate an older black female. When he was just a kitten, he figured a way to attack the bigger cat. He would walk backward toward the black cat and then suddenly turn to attack her. A fight would ensue, and I would yell at Tiger. I then would pick him up and put him in the closet for a while to calm the situation. Over time, Tiger continued his attacks but afterward walked himself into the closet. He learned the procedure by heart, and I needed no words or actions. I said what I meant and meant what I said consistently.
I probably acted mean, too. In retrospect, I wonder what else I could have said and done differently because I felt bad for Tiger, the self-punishing cat.
In my social work caseload, I worked with a seven-year-old boy who had behavioral problems at home and in school. He told me that his parents often said that he was a bad boy. In his young mind, a bad boy must misbehave all the time. The communication was clear to him as to what he should do.
Effective and consistent communication poses challenges in finding the right words, right gestures and right actions that go together. We have been wired and conditioned to say and do certain things in certain ways. We may even think this is an expression of love. We are not aware of those old destructive habits and how they affect other people. Yelling at my six year old for not picking up his toys to the extent that it scared him scared me too. I then questioned not only “what” did I say but also “how” did I say it, all those emotional tones that I was not aware of.
To children, our words are like the promises that we make. We can keep promises or break them. When a child is two years old, we use promises to distract him. “If you behave, I will buy you a toy.” We know that we won’t get to the toy store for many more days and hope that the whole incident will be forgotten. But if we make promises to a five year old, he will remember the promises and, over time, hold them in his heart. In my professional work with troubled families, I saw too many divorced parents making promises to show up for custody visits but never showing up. I remember seeing the painful faces of their children.
Even if we parents can’t see our contradictions and hypocrisy, our children do! Not only do they watch us, they also act out what they have observed. After a while, they know how to push our buttons: through the gaps in our communication.
The heart is the center from which to map out our words and actions. The wisdom of the heart has unity, with its ability to think, feel and speak cogently and act cohesively. Our heart will take us to the right next step, so that we can find the right words and take the most appropriate actions. Furthermore, heart-centered communication enables parents to feel and reflect more deeply, so that words, feelings and actions will express a common goal.
