By Joe Santos Jr.
I was having dinner recently with a female friend in her early 40’s and we started talking about her dating life. (Or the lack thereof).
This conversation has become one of many I have more often than not lately. How and why is it that so many of my talented, beautiful, smart, funny, successful friends of all ages (men and women, straight and gay alike) can’t seem to meet their equal? Listen, I don’t exactly believe in the Love at first “swipe”… but a butterfly or two in the tummy might be a good start.
She went on to describe her experiences of late. One guy is 28 and “emotionally unavailable, with the depth of a bird-bath”. (You were expecting Shakespeare in the park?) Another guy is 52, divorced 5 years, with “Baby Momma” issues. Meanwhile, the “kids” are 21 and 24 and far away from home. Run, hide, and change your number! I don’t need to see you on an episode of 20/20.
To me, seeing ourselves in someone else and finding delight in that, is the start of the ultimate relationship. Many of us settle for much less and feel unfulfilled and unhappy, maybe because we don’t take the time to prepare for life’s and love’s opportunities. We need not worry and not to hurry. Date yourself. Take time to see in you what you would like to see in other people and practice what it takes to be worthy, consistent and available. Keep a sense of humor and self. Don’t doubt or compromise your core. Our instincts are there to protect us and nurture others. Keep them in tune. Base your choices on strength. Be self-reliant, we all know what we want and deserve. Be realistic. I remember a friend saying how lonely she was and how she just wanted to be loved. (if I had a violin for every time I heard that) She said she prayed to God each night to bring her the love of her life. But, he had to be a professional, stable, between 32 and 44, have a full head of blonde or light brown hair, blue or green eyes, smooth, muscular, athletic, well endowed and made no less than 250k a year. And God replied???
I hear a lot of stories about people meeting online. One in particular… ”I’ve been talking to someone for five months and we are in love. Although we haven’t met in person yet, I finally found my “soul mate”. “Huh? Say what now? In love? Soul mate? What about physical attraction, pheromones, chemistry? You haven’t even smelled his breath yet!
Has today’s society changed the rules of engagement? Have we become desensitized to romance? Has the art of the hunt become a thing of the past because of the fear to offend? What about dating sites? There are all sorts out there that promise to match you by commonalities, body type, religion, profession, finances, sexual orientation, you name it.
We live in a time convenient for finding love and romance, at least a date. We literally have access to the world at our fingertips. Could that be half the problem? Have we become too comfortable communicating feelings and emotions through a screen? Does it make us feel safe? Are we too trusting? No doubt how powerful a tool technology has become but has it taken the place of a true physical connection? Have the tools of the past become ancient? Manners, music, poetry, conversation, charm, flirtation, chivalry?
I have one thing to say to that. True love is out there and living large within us. It is not elusive. It finds us in all sorts of places and sometimes when we’re not looking. But especially in our silence and when our eyes and hearts and minds are wide open. Stop playing with matches. Let your “match” be what strikes the spark to your flame.
Joe Santos, Jr. is a Celebrity Chef and Life-Stylist. He joins The Eden Magazine as a writer sharing his unique view on life, death, love, and the avoidance of mediocrity.
