Do you have New Year’s resolutions for 2024? Most of us want to be healthier, wealthier, and wiser. But what if we’re going about it backward?
New Year’s resolutions usually focus on outward actions. We try to shame and “should” ourselves into eating healthier, going to the gym more often, or sticking to a budget. This approach may work for a few weeks, but more often than not, it ends with us getting discouraged and giving up.
What if we start by treating ourselves with more kindness, compassion, and love instead of beating ourselves up? Studies show that people who are compassionate toward themselves are more likely to try again when they fail to achieve a goal. They are also able to cope with setbacks and stress more easily than people who tend to be self-critical. Because they recognize that everyone fails, they are more likely to see failure as an opportunity for growth rather than a blow to their self-concept.
So, how do we become more kind and compassionate with ourselves? One of the best ways to do this is by practicing Mindful Self-Compassion.
Kristen Neff and Chris Germer created the Mindful Self-Compassion curriculum. Mindfulness is the foundation of MSC because we need to become aware of and acknowledge our suffering in order to respond to our discomfort with kindness. The self-compassion part involves treating yourself as you would a dear friend when you are having a difficult time, failing, or noticing something about yourself you don’t like.
So, instead of just ignoring your pain and trying to tough it out, you stop to tell yourself, “This is really difficult right now. How can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?” Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself, your perceived inadequacies, or your shortcomings, you respond by being kind and understanding towards yourself. After all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?
Most people want to change in ways that make them healthier and happier. When you mindfully show yourself compassion, you change because you care about yourself rather than because you feel worthless or inadequate. The carrot beats the stick!
Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means honoring and accepting your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. You will encounter frustrations and losses; you will make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, and fall short of your ideals. This is the human condition, a reality shared by all of us. The more you open your heart to this reality instead of constantly fighting against it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and all your fellow humans.
So, how do you begin practicing Mindful Self-Compassion? I created a simple method defined by the acronym SNAP to help people cope with difficult feelings and the stress that comes with them. It works like this:
S: Soothing Touch — When you feel stress or discomfort, where does it show up in your body? Place your hands over that area. It might be your chest or belly, hugging your upper arms, or cradling your face. Try different locations and see which feels most soothing. This supportive touch will allow oxytocin and endorphins to help calm your nervous system.
N: Name the Emotion — Name what you are feeling in the moment. Is it worry? Sadness? Anger? Loneliness? Naming what you feel helps calm the stress response, giving you time to locate it in your body and soften around it.
A: Act — It’s time to use tools to help yourself feel better. Asking the ultimate Mindful Self-Compassion questions —1. “What do I need to hear right now?” — is the best place to start. Then say it to yourself. 2. “What do I need to do right now to shift my mood?” Then do what can reasonably be done with what you’ve got at the moment. If you are driving, it might be controlling your breathing, with your exhalation being longer than your inhalation to slow your blood pressure and heart rate. I often put one hand on the wheel and the other hand on my heart!
With toddler tantrums, it can be helpful to drop your attention to the soles of your feet as you control your breathing to slow the whole show down. With teen or adult family drama, try to stay in your body, breathing in compassion for yourself because it’s so difficult and breathing out compassion for them because they are suffering (even though their behavior might be disturbing). This can help calm your nervous system.
Depending on your work situation, you may have more options for in-the-moment relief if you can close the door (even if it’s in the bathroom stall) to give yourself a few minutes of quiet reflection. You can ground yourself with a polished stone that you keep on your desk, ground through the soles of your feet, take a break at the water cooler, or exhale longer than you inhale for a few rounds of breathing.
P: Praise — Thank yourself for showing up day after day and trying to do your best. Thank the universe, or your spirit of choice, for giving you the strength and courage to keep on keeping on. And thank you for your practice in helping you manage stress.
With New Year’s resolutions, you can use SNAP to pick yourself up rather than beat yourself up if, at first, you don’t succeed. Perhaps you will want to try a more attainable goal, break your goal into baby steps, or give yourself more time to attain your goal. Whatever course you choose, you will be more resilient and more likely to keep trying when you are kind to yourself.
So, in 2024, commit to treating yourself like your very best friend.
Give yourself gentle, loving touches such as a hand on your heart or your arms wrapped around your shoulders. Acknowledge and support yourself through difficult moments (aloud or in your head) by saying things like, “Wow, this is really hard. I know how much this hurts. And I know you can get through it.” Write yourself a love letter as if you were writing to your nearest and dearest, then read it aloud. Shower yourself with compassion and understanding.
Take time away from the 24-hour news cycle. Yes, it’s another election year, and that means the already chaotic 24-hour news cycle will only get more intense. Give yourself permission to step away, turn off the TV, and steer clear of political and social media streams when you need a break. Instead, take this time to do something positive and impactful — something that makes you feel good and helps others. Volunteer in your community. Donate to a charity for a cause you’re passionate about. Positive actions will lift your spirits while also lifting up those around you.
There are so many wonderful ideas for New Year’s resolutions out there, from starting a gratitude journal to practicing relaxation techniques. When you think about it, they are all rooted in one resolution: to love yourself better in 2024!
by Julie Potiker
