This crowd wants me to succeed
In 2018, I did a TEDx talk in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin. I knew it would be one of the most important moments of my career, and I was terrified. I had spent months preparing, finalized my script a month in advance, and practiced about five times a day. On the day, I tried to stay calm and probably looked calm on the outside, but inside, I was a wreck.
There were five talks before mine, so I spent the morning watching the other speakers while my thoughts spiralled. “What if I blow it? Go blank? Pass out? Trip? Throw up on stage?” I wasn’t nervous about public speaking itself — I’d done that countless times — but because I knew if this went well, it could be career-changing. I wanted it to be perfect and put extraordinary pressure on myself to make it so.
When I was on deck, I stood silently backstage watching the red clock tick toward 18 minutes, the maximum length. The next speaker tried to lighten the mood. “Don’t shit your pants out there,” she joked — already on my mental list of things that could go wrong.
I took the stage and started to an eerily silent audience. I walked to the red circle, planted myself, breathed, and began. At 30 seconds in, I made a small joke — barely a joke —, and to my surprise, they laughed. Some even laughed hard. In that moment, all my nervousness faded. “This crowd wants me to succeed,” I thought, and instantly relaxed.
What is an emotion?
I’m sharing this story because it captures how emotions work. It’s rare for something to simply happen and cause a feeling. Emotions result from situations, physiology, thoughts, and choices coming together — and we control some of those more than we realize. A healthy emotional life means recognizing what parts of that pattern we can control and using that control.
So, what is an emotion? Psychologists don’t fully agree. Some behaviourists argue emotions aren’t worth studying because they aren’t observable; others think they’re just labels for collections of feeling states. My definition is that emotions are psychological states that include (1) physiological arousal, (2) predictable thoughts, and (3) expected behaviours — what we call action tendencies.
When we encounter a stimulus — say, a spider — our heart rate increases (arousal), we think “It’s going to bite me” (thought), and we flee (behaviour). Or when someone we like says they like us too: heart skips (arousal), “Oh thank God” (thought), we move closer (behaviour).
Sometimes we notice one or two elements but not all. With phobias, people often say, “I just get scared and want to run.” That’s because our brain can skip conscious thought: the startle response originates in the brainstem, triggering muscle movement before the thinking parts engage. Still, some quick appraisal — “We’re going to crash!” or “This is dangerous!” — usually occurs.
Our sympathetic nervous system then activates: heart racing, fast breathing, sweating, and dry mouth. This fight-or-flight response evolved to prepare us for threat or loss. The third element, our behavioural impulse, is what we want to do: run when afraid, lash out when angry. We don’t always act on it, but it motivates us toward a need. Curiosity says, “There’s something you don’t know,” so you explore. Shame says, “You’ve done wrong,” so you look away to signal remorse.
Emotions, Thoughts and Behavioural Impulses
| Emotion | Thought/Appraisal | Behavioural Impulse |
| Fear | “That’s dangerous.” | Avoidance / flight |
| Anger | “That’s not fair.” | Lashing out |
| Sadness | “I’ve lost something important.” | Withdrawal / crying |
| Joy | “This is pleasant.” | Smiling / laughing |
| Curiosity | “This unknown may matter.” | Exploration |
| Disgust | “That’s gross.” | Avoidance / cleaning |
| Shame | “I’ve done something terrible.” | Averting gaze / hiding |
| Surprise | “That was unexpected.” | Orienting to source |
| Jealousy | “I want what they have.” | Possessiveness |
| Pride | “I’ve done something impressive.” | Standing taller / boasting |
Why We Feel
When we emote, three things — the stimulus, our mood, and our interpretation — combine to produce a feeling that leads to expression. We’ll call this the Why We Feel Model:
Stimulus: the spark that prompts the emotion.
Mood at the time: tired, stressed, hungry, anxious? These shape your reaction.
Interpretation: what the event means — is it good, bad, fair, dangerous?
Emotional feeling: the state itself (e.g., joy, fear, anger).
Expression: how it shows — crying, laughing, smiling, swearing, etc.
Example: you’re late for work, already anxious, and the car ahead stops at a yellow light. Stimulus: the car. Interpretation: “They shouldn’t have stopped.” Mood: stressed. The combination sparks anger. The amygdala fires, sending signals for the fight-or-flight response: heart rate spikes, muscles tense, breath quickens, face scowls. Then your prefrontal cortex steps in: you might honk, swear, or decide it’s not worth it.
Hack Your Emotions
In 2003, Stanford psychologist Dr James J. Gross wrote an influential article describing how we can regulate our emotions — or “hack” them. He defined emotion regulation as influencing which emotions we have, when we have them, and how we experience and express them. He distinguished between strategies used before and after an emotional response.
Before-the-feeling strategies:
Situation selection – choosing whether to enter a situation.
Situation modification – adjusting circumstances to alter impact.
Attentional deployment – deciding what to focus on.
Cognitive change (reappraisal) – rethinking what the situation means.
After-the-feeling strategy:
5. Response modulation – controlling your reaction once it arrives.
Returning to my TED talk, I used several without realizing it. Applying for the talk (situation selection), practising (situation modification), and ignoring backstage jokes (attentional deployment). When anxiety rose, I breathed and grounded myself (response modulation). When I realized the crowd wanted me to succeed, that was a cognitive reappraisal.
Different choices would have changed everything: skipping the talk, practising less, fixating on what might go wrong. Even so, each decision I made before, during, and after the talk shaped my emotional state. That link — between choice and feeling — is the core of emotion hacking. By being aware of how situations, attention, interpretation, and reaction interconnect, we can intentionally influence how we feel.
Putting It Into Practice
Imagine a co-worker invites you to a party. You don’t know many guests, and you’re socially anxious. All five strategies apply:
Decide if you even want to go (selection).
Bring a friend or ask for introductions (modification).
Focus on music or decor instead of people (attentional deployment).
Reinterpret a laughing group as friendly, not mocking (cognitive change).
When anxiety rises, breathe, ground yourself, step away (response modulation).
Each choice nudges your emotional experience. The point isn’t to eliminate feelings but to recognize how your decisions shape them. That awareness and intentionality are how you hack your emotions — the very reason I wrote this book.
Photo by Tom Cailarec
