By Tara-jenelle Walsch
There were so many wood spiders coming and going in the house that Mom began to name them. She told us they were friends and not to be feared. After all, “they help keep the mosquitoes at bay.”
Stanislav was one who took up years of residence. He sure got around and was seemingly everywhere in the house at once.
One night I woke to my sister screaming there was a spider in her bed. As I ran in she flung the covers over and sure enough the furry critter hopped out and made way to the floor. Two girls screaming now alerted our stepfather who begrudgingly came to the rescue.
I’ll never forget what happened next: Stanislav scurried under the baseboard heater and my stepfather bent down and smashed it with his bare hand, escalating our screams to tears.
As years went by, we got used to spider sightings and shifted our terrified reaction down a notch. In our teens, I even created the temporary solution of placing a glass over them with a note on top that read,” Warning: Spider under cup.” (being the little Houdini’s that they are, it was especially discerning to my sister when she’d see the note and cup, with no spider underneath…but that’s another story.)
I’ve since graduated to not squealing or even panicking (greatly) when I see a spider in-house. Now I just safely secure and release them outside.
Though life is certainly filled with experiences of much greater depth, the story above is an example of how our reaction to fear can be triumphed and turned into a loving response. Most of the time this happens naturally as we grow older. Sometimes, though, it doesn’t.
In those cases, it’s usually because there’s unresolved pain from the past, sleeping in our heart. Even trite childhood incidents can stay with us forever. And as adults, when we encounter a similar situation those same feelings are woken up and generate a similar reaction in us. In essence we’ve developed a conditioned reply to that particular trigger through the years.
Eckhart Tolle has dubbed this as the “Pain Body” and describes it as an accumulation of painful life experiences that were not fully faced and accepted in the moment they arose, thus leaving behind an energy form of emotional pain.
And we’re talking about more than spiders, here. We’re talking about the boy who was profusely degraded by his father as a child and is now triggered as an adult when his boss degrades him. His deep-seeded shame is woken up, filtered through pent up feelings he has towards his father and released into an external reaction of anger.
This is just one example and can be modified in a multitude of ways to illustrate a common birth place for pain; childhood. Everyone in the world has something from their growing years that makes them wince, cry or shout. This is part of the human experience.
Also part of the human experience is working through pain. Yet a lot of times we skip that chapter and instead hide or stuff pain down, presumably so it won’t hold us back from love. The ironic thing is that the very denial of its existence holds us back from inner growth, which makes it difficult to connect with ourselves and others to feel that love.
But we have the ability to shift our long-conditioned reactions into responses that are more congruent with love, not pain. Responses that are far better suited for our well-being and those around us. Responses that will yield a deeper connection with ourselves, others and life.
So how do we get there? How do we move out of reacting from fear and into responding with love?
Compassion.
When we stop to think about the possible reasons behind reactionary behavior, whether our own or that of another, it opens way for compassion. Yet we needn’t understand the exact reason why or know all the details for us to feel compassion. Just knowing that the reaction is fueled by pain is enough, as we all understand feelings of pain.
If you’re on the receiving end of someone who’s reacting, try your hardest to not react back. Know that it’s not about you, rather a projection of that person’s pain. You’re getting a glimpse of their inner world. And hard as it may be, try to not sit in their pain with them, but rather sit with it, for them.
It’s easier to avoid this step than to work through it. It’s easier to snap back and react to someone else’s reaction, than to move into compassion for them. But if your goal is one of harmony and love it’s most helpful to pause in these moments, bring forth your Soul Courage and internally remind yourself who you are. Then demonstrate it.
Let go of any defensiveness, remain calm and genuinely listen to the person who’s over-reacting. Doing this in a loving way (not a patronizing way) will create a beautiful mirror allowing them to see their behavior. Which, in turn, will invite them to switch from reacting through fear into responding with love.
If you’re the one who is reacting, pause the moment you realize what’s happening and check in with yourself. Take a deep breath to ease out of reaction mode. Then take responsibility for your behavior by verbally acknowledging it. Perhaps even apologizing.
If you didn’t catch it in time and already blurted out a reaction, it’s not too late to mend. By acknowledging your behavior right then and there to the other, you can show them both your remorse along with the willingness to be vulnerable as a means of growth.
There are also times when we’re completely alone and our negative reaction to something can affect our own psyche. When our pain spills over and upsets our well-being.
If we accompany our reaction with the astute awareness of its pain source and the desire to heal it, we can restore grace. One way to do this is to watch what you do with your pain when you’re alone. What kind of conversations do you carry on with yourself and with the room? Do you vent verbally or physically?
When you notice that you’re about to default into a negatively programed reaction to something, try to catch the sparks of pain in action. Look at them as an observer. Acknowledge and validate them. Console them. Then bring in the polar opposite of this pain and redecorate your inner self with this positive vision.
Whether you’re the one reacting or receiving a negative reaction from another, a healing direction is always available to us.
As easy as it would be to make someone else wrong for our demeanor, our reciprocation isn’t about anyone but us. We can’t blame our behavior on another person, politics or the world. We can only take responsibility for how we perceive things and the way in which we translate our emotions into action. This defines who we are at the highest level.
Visualize your triumph in difficult moments and call in the strength to get there. Once acquired, revel in that strength! Celebrate it! Raise your arms with glory in exaggerated victory, for you are one of the courageous souls that dares to heal within.
RoadMap to shifting fear-based reactions to loving responses
1 – We all have pain; this is part of the human experience
2 – When untended, pain can leak into outbursts & reactions
3 – Moving through that pain will connect you with yourself,
others & love
4 – Compassion & Vulnerability dissolve fear & make way
for love
5 – Visualize victory & call in strength
6 – Rejoice in the healing process
