Looking back, I thought my raging and untreated PTSD was caused by being in a four-year-long relationship (marriage) that was filled with emotional, psychological, spiritual, and a lot of physical abuse. I know one thing – well, two things – getting out of that situation was one of the most courageous acts of self-love I’ve ever done for myself, and the second thing I know is that I was a different person when I left.
After just three weeks of dating, my then-boyfriend and soon-to-be husband and abuser slapped and punched me in the face and then threw me down and began strangling me. I left without hesitation but went back after listening to “I promise I’ll never do that again – I love you so much – please, forgive me this one time – you won’t regret it.” I was already dealing with untreated, severe PTSD from the sexual assaults I experienced as a naïve teen, so I “went along” because I could not see my worth, identity, or value.
After going back, my abuser beat me until I was unrecognizable in the face. My arms were covered in bruises, and my back was cut. Again, I left. This time, I not only went back after profuse apologies, edicts, etc., but I married him and relocated far away from my hometown with him. Again, he vowed unequivocally that he would NEVER HIT ME AGAIN. But the verbal and emotional abuse increased exponentially as he began to call me three abusive names daily, that no woman ever deserves to be called under any circumstance. After he bit holes in the sides of my nose in a jealous rage, I got up and threw him out the next morning. He complied, leaving me with no furniture whatsoever in the apartment. I slept on an air mattress on the hardwood floor. I continued to work at a fantastic job and developed a mentorship relationship with one of the residents there. He would invite me over to dine with him and his wife, and together they reflected on who I still was and that I had the courage to leave.
I was so very thankful that I had been able to keep my job. That had a lot to do with the resident that mentored me. When my ex had bitten holes in my nose, the resident had come to my apartment and demanded that he see me. My ex-husband told him I didn’t feel well and could not come to the door. My colleague told him that he would not leave until I came out and that if I did not come out, he was going to call the police. My ex then came and got me. That act from that brave friend felt so amazing to me. Someone cared about me enough to do that. I began to realize that now it was up to me to care that much about myself too!
So, I began crafting my safe escape plan. The day came after every item on the list was checked and re-checked for me to leave.
The cab was waiting downstairs, but there was one last thing I had to do – Ring, ring, “Hello ______, when you come home tonight, I won’t be here – I am leaving you.” I said. I gathered my personal belongings and left everything else behind. (By this time, we had moved into another lawful apartment, and a resident at work had given me beautiful living room furniture. I knew that my life was more important than that furniture. All I could focus on was getting out of there safely before he returned.
Since he knew where I worked, he took it upon himself to begin coming there with flowers and jewelry and extending additional gestures to lure me back with him. It was an embarrassment to me to have him show up at my work because, by this time, everyone in the entire department knew I was getting abused. I had gone to the emergency more than once. I had to take extra precautions when on my route home so that he would not follow me and find out where I was residing. But he kept persisting.
So, I devised a plan of revenge. I moved back in with him for an entire week. I would not have sex with him, but I slept in the bed, stringing him along so that I would get back together with him. He began talking about us having a baby and living happily ever after. However, my dangerously divisive plan based on giving him a modicum of the pain that he had given me was always first and foremost in my mind. Saturday came (the day I planned on leaving). I got up, packed, and walked toward the door. He said, “Where in the heck are you going?” I replied, “I’m leaving you – to stay with you I would have to be STUPID, and I am not stupid”. The door slammed behind me. I was extremely lucky I didn’t get abused or killed doing something of that nature. But that is the nature of the mentality you develop when being emotionally, verbally, psychologically, and physically abused.
I thought my life would turn around after that strength-filled act, but it continued to spiral out of control. Every time I would get some momentum going in my life, I would meet someone and get into a more toxic relationship than the last. I had no understanding of why this was happening – that I was in fact dealing with untreated PTSD.
This downward spiral went on to the point of losing my vehicle and becoming homeless. After finally confiding in my parents, I started receiving financial aid from them. I chose to move across the country in the hopes that a geographical relocation would solve my problems. When I was again rendered homeless from yet another failed relationship, I still could not see that the PTSD was running rampant within me and it was making my life decisions, not me. I continued to spiral downward until one day; I realized I could not let myself get any lower and prayed for help. That was the moment when I began treating my PTSD. I continue to treat my PTSD to this day because PTSD (especially as much as I have) is not curable, but it is manageable.
During the writing of this article, I came upon information through my research that indicates that I was not only suffering from PTSD but from C-PTSD, which is complex PTSD.
It has another host of symptoms (which I exhibited all of them). My journey of recovery from C-PTSD (which I will now call it) began, fortunately, with me taking a long, difficult look at the reality of my life. It could have been caused by incarceration, being placed in a mental health facility, being hospitalized, etc. I’m not going to tell you that I looked at myself that day, and presto – I was healed because C-PTSD or PTSD is a mental illness that requires management
because there’s no cure for it. The most dominant characteristics you need to get back to your true self are perseverance and determination.
Summary
I suffered from sexual assaults at a very impressionable age. I hid it all from my parents, friends, authorities, and professionals. I believed that I was ‘fine .’What specifically was happening to me as I began to suffer from PTSD, which, in turn, caused me to make unhealthy choices for myself, which, in turn, created C-PTSD. My life spiraled downward for over 20 years because the C-PTSD was left untreated as well.
My book When Birds Sing – My Journey from Trauma to Triumph is both a cautionary tale and a story of amazing triumph.
I detail my trauma and abuse vividly and my path to a healthy, happy life so that you will not have to continue to go through what I went through. Seek help if you have not and remember that you are worthy of love – especially the love of YOU. When you love yourself, your life will open to new possibilities.
Remember, keep going – never give up.
Tips for Managing Severe PTSD Anxiety and other PTSD and C-PTSD symptoms:
- Set your intention that you are not going to let your life continue in the manner that it has.
- Seek a therapist’s (preferably a Ph.D.) help; however, make very sure that the help you choose is highly qualified in PTSD or C-PTSD.
- If you don’t have a friend you can trust (which I did not) and you have the funding, seek a Life Coach (again, make sure that they are well-versed in what you’re dealing with).
- Go to my website to read my blogs on PTSD and find many helpful resources at www.ariellespring,netRemember; its progress, not perfection – look for small improvements each day – then add them all up and at the end of the week and see how much you’ve progressed.
- Journal daily – Getting the feelings out (whether they be genuine or PTSD induced) is critical for your healing.
- Practice self-love-induced self-care acts daily. This can be as simple as taking the stairs on some days or as involved in a therapy session or walking with a friend.
- Begin to listen to that still, small voice inside you – this is your intuition – it knows so pay attention to it. If you know people are toxic, stay away from them. If they persist, contact the authorities safely.
- Breathe deeply at intervals throughout your day – breath in through the nose filling your lower belly, and going up into your diaphragm and chest – hold for a second and release through the mouth – repeat as necessary.
- Get a job that works for your current situation and recovery level.
If you’ve experienced sexual assault, harassment, or trauma, contact someone. If you’re currently with the abuser, you must put your SAFETY FIRST. If it’s not safe to call the police at that moment, remove yourself from the environment ASAP. When you’re in a safe environment, call the police.
By Arielle Spring
