As you walk through grief, you have the choice to decide whether you will allow grief to shatter your heart or to break it open.
When grief first strikes us, it is often seen as an endless, one-way path filled with pain, heartache, and darkness. Each day seems endless, and you wonder if you will ever smile again. Yet, once you have walked this path, and if you choose life, you begin to realize that you can walk two paths at once. One of heartache and one of joy. One path is littered with tears and sorrow, while the other is lined with the beauty of an expanded heart, deeper love, and higher levels of empathy and compassion.
The Path of Deep Sadness
February 28, 2011, was a day my world shattered. I woke up believing my sons would be born any day. Yet, as I lay in bed, I realized there was no movement in my stomach. There was stillness where the active bumps of my babies’ elbows should have been. After going to the doctor, I learned the truth. They were gone. They left this world before ever having a chance to live.
My son’s passing left a void. For a time, it seemed like this darkness would never lift. Those early days of grief were a cavernous path I had to navigate, and the weight of it all felt unending.
At first, grief feels like treading water in a storm — every day is a battle just to stay afloat amidst a sea of emotions. There are times when simply breathing seems impossible. It’s natural to be consumed by sorrow, to feel the weight of absence like an anchor. Each step can feel heavier than the last as you mourn the loss of a loved one and the life you imagined would be in your future.
Embracing the Pain
Yet, it is possible to move through the first devastating stages of grief, although it seems impossible at first. You must first acknowledge the pain and sit with all that you have lost. Grieve on your terms — there is no manual for this, only the rhythm of your own heart’s breaking. It is within these broken spaces that compassion for oneself and others can expand and grow. When the depth of grief is examined, it is discovered that it is not a sign of weakness but a testament to the love and connection you shared.
The Path of Joy
About three months after my sons passed, the news of my pregnancy with my daughter shone a ray of light. Her presence was a gift — a new chapter, not a replacement. It was a reminder that my life could continue.
I would sit outside every morning and speak with my sons, determined to create an environment of peace and love for my daughter. I would consciously recognize the beauty in the chirping of the birds and the feel of the wind on my skin.
This was the start of my second path.
With time, you begin to live again, and the path of joy starts to appear, twining in and out of the path of pain. You realize the beauty in the simplest moments. The sunrise, a flower blooming. It is a gentle reminder of the laughter, the stories, the life that was shared, and you begin to walk along another path; you lean more into love than into pain.
Celebrating Life
My therapist once asked me how much I wanted to heal, and as I sat and contemplated this question, I realized that leaving a scar on my heart is a testament to the love I have for my sons and a reminder that they remain with me at all times.
The question is, how do you begin to celebrate a new life, a life separate from what you thought was your destiny? The answer is that instead of focusing solely on the finality of death, you can celebrate the life that was lived. Create rituals to honor your loved one — a special meal, releasing lanterns, planting a tree in their memory, or creating a garden to which you can tend. These acts not only remember them but bring to life the joy that they once brought you.
You also begin balancing joy with grief. It is not about putting on a brave face. It’s about finding a space where both can coexist. Look for small victories and moments of happiness, and allow yourself to experience them without guilt. These moments are not distractions from your grief; they are the essence of healing.
Merging the Paths
My daughter’s arrival didn’t erase the pain, but her birth gave me a reason to view the world with different eyes — to experience a second wave of motherhood that was as joyful as it was healing. The love I have for her and my other daughter is so much more immense because of the loss of their brothers. I have learned to walk both paths at once.
As these paths merge, they form a new route, a purposeful one. Many who have walked through deep loss find a calling to support others on similar journeys or to make each moment more meaningful and live with a deeper appreciation for life.
Remember, your grief is as unique as your bond with the one you’ve lost. Honor it with your authenticity. You will continue to walk these paths, sometimes treading one more than the other, but over time, you’ll find they have led you to a place of wisdom and, surprisingly, a deeper capacity for joy. As the poet Rumi once said, “The wound is the place where the light enters you.” Let your dual paths be a testament to how brightly that light can shine in the darkest hours.
A Message of Love
Above all, remember that love never dies. Your continued connection with those you have lost through memories, traditions, or even signs and symbols is a testament to the enduring power of love. Let this love guide you through your journey of healing and growth, knowing that it is an unbreakable bond that transcends all boundaries. If you lean into love, you will rise above the pain.
