By Angela Dunning
In our modern society there is an imbalanced and unrealistic emphasis on striving to be positive, healthy, productive and happy at all times. It is therefore important to remind ourselves, and others on a daily basis, that it really is OK not to be OK, in order to simply give ourselves permission to feel exactly what we are really feeling.
We are complex creatures with complicated minds, bodies and feelings. Therefore, to strive to always feel and act OK is an immense burden and, ultimately, a false trapping as it is neither realistic nor authentic.
Yet, most of us go through life trying to maintain a façade of wellbeing and happiness and unconsciously, to some extent we expect others to do the same too. Much of this comes about due to a deep-seated resistance towards feeling and revealing our vulnerabilities. This pattern develops in us when we are very young. We are told not to cry, not to be so sensitive or to be such a baby. Slowly, over time we learn to bury our true feelings and to not show how scared and fragile we really are. We efficiently grow a thick skin but at a great cost to us later on in life, as this extra layer of skin cuts us off from our own humanity and from genuinely connecting with others.
Whereas, the truth of being human is very different. We move through an array of feelings, fluctuations of energy, mental and bodily states each day. Yet, instead of flowing with this and responding naturally, we are programmed from a young age to disregard this ebb and flow and instead, to force ourselves into socially accepted feeling states. We go to work when we feel unwell; putting on a brave face to the world as soon as we step outside our front door, chiming breezily: “I’m fine” whenever asked. When really, we’re anything but fine as we may be worrying about something serious, or we may be feeling unwell; we may be very sad or grieving a loss, or we may just be feeling tired or out-of-sorts.
This is why it’s vital to remind ourselves on a regular basis that it is OK to feel tired, sad, anxious, depressed or uncertain. To feel vulnerable or to be going through a difficult time is perfectly natural. We all experience these things at many times during our life; they are fundamental aspects of what it is to be a human being. Yet, it seems we have to work hard on a daily basis just to accept and own our innate vulnerability as a mortal being.
In recent years, Brené Brown’s work on finding the courage to be vulnerable has been an invaluable contribution to our development as a species. A great term which was developed by someone inspired by her work is: “Vulnerabravery”. I think Vulnerabravery is something we all need to cultivate more of in our individual lives and wider society: That is, to develop the capacity to feel and to learn to openly express it in the world.
In my work with horses and people the main thing that horses want from humans is for us to be honest about how we really feel; NO MATTER WHAT WE ARE FEELING. When we mask how we really feel and instead try to appear strong or ‘fine’, they explicitly avoid or resist us. In their own way they are affirming to us that it really is OK not to be OK; that we don’t need to try to be strong and happy all of the time. They welcome ALL of our messy emotions and vulnerabilities and when we do own them then they happily want to spend time with us.
Then vulnerability itself then becomes a golden doorway into a deeper connection with our own truth and with others; even a vastly different species like horses. I have learned that walking through this golden doorway is a gift both for myself and for those on the other side, as it awakens a sense of their own vulnerability too. And yes, it is often messy, hard, painful and embarrassing. Yet, I have found that to push through that door and risk it is always SO worth it. So try it, open the door and walk right up to your vulnerable self, welcome yourself home and allow others to see the real you too; I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at the rich rewards waiting for you on the other side.
