By James & Steph Purpura
Our Biggest Fear
Let’s go back to the time when we existed in packs and our only safety was in numbers. It took five people with sticks to fight off a bear or many other predators. You could not survive on your own. If you got kicked out of the pack, it meant you were going to die in a short period of time, likely from being eaten, which was going to be excruciatingly painful.
Our biggest fear is ugly death, but the experience that makes the fear real is rejection. Deep in our mind, rejection dooms us to a fate much worse than certain death. The first time we suffer a notable rejection, this fear kicks in and we feel vulnerable and alone. This sets off another program, and the fight for our survival has just begun. In ancient times when we were rejected from the pack we could only survive in one of two ways: either by regaining the acceptance of the pack, in the hope they would let us back in, or through asserting domination and control by conquering the pack leader and becoming the new leader. If these two-options sound familiar, it’s because they resemble what we still do today. We are either seeking validation from others or to dominate and control them. Most of the major issues we deal with in the world today stem from those two dynamics.
Now you understand an underlying reason why it is so scary to be rejected. This is also why we are constantly trying to prove ourselves or control others. If you go back through your life, you will most likely see this fear as the underlying force behind almost everything you do. You were either moving toward validation or trying to exert control while, at the same time, trying to avoid rejection at all costs. Sometimes, to avoid the pain, you might even have turned to addiction and checked out of playing the game. This is when we adopt the belief that we are not good enough.
But this whole process is based on a lie. Rejection does not put our survival at risk—not even close. Almost nothing in modern times threatens our survival. You could be stripped of all your possessions and money and be kicked out of your house, and you would likely still survive. Your survival is rarely at stake, but your mind believes that it is. That is why we feel like life is a fight because deep down we think we are always fighting for our survival.
If your survival is not really at risk, life does not have to be a fight. That means you are free to do anything you would like, depending on the quality of life you seek. We mistakenly believe it’s the rejection that puts our survival at risk, but in reality, the lie that sits underneath is fear itself. Being scared from time to time is perfectly normal, but if you are constantly living in fear, you are living a lie.
