By Angela Dunning
I think most of us underestimate just how inhibiting, all-pervasive and crippling shame can be.
Shame lingers closely around all of our fears, self-doubts, and old, old wounds. It prevents us from asking for what we really need and want. It adds a heavy cloud and weight over us, keeping us stooped low, submissive, in need yet unable to ask for help. Unable to reach out and utter the words that we keep so secretly hidden and private, words we can’t share even with our closest friends, partner or therapist.
Shame attaches itself to both fairly minor things that we feel make us look ‘less-than others, as well as to bigger, more profound secrets. Often our perceptions of ourselves and our failings are just that: perceptions rather than reality. But, it is the sense of shame that makes them feel so real to us and which makes us carry our secrets for so long alone.
Shame is also quite hard to detect; it elusively hides within other more acceptable psychological defenses, and often it isn’t recognizable as shame until we start to share what we’ve been holding onto for so long. Then, shame starts to rise and make itself known, like it’s been hiding in plain sight and deceptively cloaking our pain.
Shame arises due to one of two reasons: Either someone has shamed us through projecting something they dislike about themselves, known as ‘projected shame.’ This often happens in families, in abusive relationships, through scapegoating, and even in the workplace. Or, it arises when we view ourselves as defective in some way, and we attack ourselves from within via our inner-critic/inner-persecutor for our mistakes; blaming ourselves instead of feeling a more healthy state of guilt and remorse and owning our mistakes as a fallible human being.
However, whichever way our shame has developed, a lot of the time it is the feelings of intense shame themselves that in the end cause us the most pain, rather than the original wounding or mistake.
Therefore, it’s no surprise that when we DO finally muster the courage to utter these terrible, awful words and share our seemingly worst deeds that the relief is immediate and immense.
We literally feel like an enormous weight that has been pushing us down and keeping us still, and quiet has finally lifted. The relief and subsequent flow of energy are often significant and can finally allow change to happen, change that we’ve been desperately longing for, but something BIG was stopping it: Shame. The ensuing sense of self-worth can be enormous as we are restored to a fuller sense of self with less of a burden to carry.
Never underestimate the power and effect of shame, both in your own struggles and others you live or work with. It takes careful and delicate work to help someone else feel able to share their biggest secrets and burdens around their shame. And a tremendous sense of vulnerability is felt when one finally utters those potent words, so it’s important to be extra gentle with ourselves during these releases or with another person if we are supporting someone else to off-load their heavy burden of shame.
Many people sadly take their unhealed shame to the grave. Yet, the risk of sharing and relieving oneself of this burden is so healing and rejuvenating that finding the courage to unload is truly a risk worth taking as it enables us to live again fully.
