Love relationships are one of the most beautiful and complex experiences we can have in this human life. They can bring joy and ignite passion, and they can also challenge us to face ourselves and get clear about who we really want to be.
One tool that is nothing less than indispensable throughout the journey of love is mindfulness. It can help us create more peace and love in our partnerships, as well as more calm and balance within ourselves.
Whether you and your partner are just starting out and want to connect more deeply or you’ve been together for years and want to rekindle that connection, practicing mindfulness can support your partnership. Here are five mindful practices to help you build a closer relationship:
1. Practice gratitude in your relationship: Turn your attention towards all you are grateful for about your partner. Here are some prompts to get you started:
- What about them makes you smile the most?
- What do you admire most about your partner?
- What characteristic of their personality or way of being is most endearing to you?
- What about your partner inspires you most?
- What was one of the first things you noticed about them that drew you to the partnership?
Recall one of your most meaningful times together. What did your partner do or say that was so impactful, and what does that reveal about the core of who they are?
2. Share your gratitude with your partner: This can be a conversation, a card, a letter, a song, or a drawing — express your gratitude however it feels best to you. Let your partner know that you see what’s amazing about them. You can do this to celebrate an anniversary, birthday, holiday, special event, or — even better — just for the heck of it! We all know how wonderful it feels to be acknowledged lovingly just for love’s sake.
3. Share your joys: Making a joy list is a wonderful practice that anyone can do for themselves. Sit down with your partner, make sure each of you has a pen and paper, and then take 10 minutes or so to jot down all the things — big and small — that give you the most joy in life. This can be anything from a warm cup of coffee in the morning to a beach vacation. Write them all down.
When the 10 minutes is up, share your joy lists with each other. Are there any items on your lists that you could enjoy together? Some may take some planning (like a beach vacation), but others (like a morning cup of coffee) might be something you could more consciously enjoy with one another. Look closely at your lists. Even things you might assume are items you would normally do alone — like, say, getting a massage — could perhaps be shared with your partner. Stay open, get creative, and make a third joy list that is comprised of experiences and activities you wish to share. You might even come up with some new ones as you begin sharing.
4. Transform challenges with Loving Kindness: There’s no doubt about it: relationships take work. After the “honeymoon phase,” we begin to see our partner more clearly as the perfectly imperfect human that they are — and they see us more clearly, too! That’s not a bad thing; it’s just the reality of deepening your connection over time.
Challenges and frustrations are a normal part of life with a partner, but they don’t have to be overwhelming when they arise. Next time you’re faced with one of these moments, try the practice of Loving Kindness. Loving Kindness softens the situation and creates more space for compassion. Here are some examples of Loving Kindness mantras you can try. You can also create your own. Experiment with switching “you” for “I” and “we” and see how that feels.
You are loved.
May you be safe.
May you be healthy.
May you live with ease.
May you be loved and appreciated. May you be valued.
May you be kind.
May all beings be safe and free from suffering.
As you expand your ability to have compassion for yourself and others, you open the doorway to the possibility of being mindfully calm, clear, and loving — even in the midst of chaotic moments.
5. Feeling Upset? Try SNAP!
Mindfulness practices are available anytime we need a mental and emotional boost. To make it simple, I developed a method I call SNAP that encompasses several of these practices in a way that’s easy to remember and practice in your daily life. When you feel stress rising within you, try this:
A soothing touch gives your body a head start in calming down. It taps into your body’s mammalian caregiver response, releasing oxytocin and opiates in your brain to counteract cortisol, the stress hormone. So, place your hands where you find it soothing. Practice placing your hands on your heart, your belly, your cheeks, and your upper arms in a hug or just hand in hand. Use whatever placement comforts you most.
Name your feeling: “I’m feeling frustrated. I feel upset. I feel scared. I feel angry.” Labeling the emotion engages the thinking brain and calms your system down. Drop into the emotion and see what’s there. Avoid judging it. Simply observe with curiosity. This is the heart of what mindfulness is all about. It takes practice, but soon, you’ll be able to tune in and notice what’s happening inside you. Once you notice these feelings, you can work with them, giving yourself room to breathe and changing your relationship with them.
Act: Ask yourself: 1. What do I need to hear right now? Then tell it to yourself. 2. What do I need to do right now to shift my mood? Then, do what you can reasonably do in the moment. You might try a breathing exercise, breathing in for a count of four and out for a count of six, doing this for three to five breath cycles. This will lower your heart rate and blood pressure. After that, you will be in a calmer state to choose another tool to make you feel good!
Praise: Give yourself a pat on the back for managing the situation with aplomb! Thank your teachers, thank your deity — all this thanking moves you into feelings of gratitude, which is beneficial for mental health.
Relationships are a labor of love. In the wise words of Fred Rogers, “Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun, like a struggle.” Giving your mindful attention to strengthening and nurturing your relationship is one of the most loving things you can do for your partner. May these tools lift your hearts and inspire more joyful times together.
