From Hospice Patients for a Time of Crisis
By Karen Wyatt MD
We are living through challenging times in the midst of a global pandemic, economic instability, and climate change that is rapidly altering the planet. Many of us have not previously faced a crisis of this magnitude and may be struggling to cope with all of the changes and losses that are occurring simultaneously.
As a hospice doctor, I have had the privilege throughout my medical career of sitting at the bedsides of hundreds of patients who themselves are facing the ultimate crisis as their lives draw to a close. Through listening to their stories and sharing in their journeys, I discovered that many of my dying patients learned lessons in their final days that totally changed the way they looked at life. And the wisdom they shared with me has allowed me to change my own perspective on life as well.
I began my hospice career in the midst of my own crisis after the suicide death of my father. This tragedy devastated me, and from day-to-day, I wasn’t sure that I could go on. But I found that my patients and their families also wondered on some days if they had the strength to face the challenges in front of them. As they described their pain and fear, I knew that I was not alone in my suffering.
Life brings difficulties to all of us, and—as I eventually discovered—the key to a meaningful existence is learning to navigate those difficult times. As we look ahead to an uncertain future, the wisdom gathered from my hospice patients about coping with crisis seems particularly relevant. Here are the lessons they shared with me that helped me live with my grief and can guide us all during these difficult days:
Embrace rather than resist your pain
At the time I started hospice work, I was trying to ignore my grief over my father’s death, hoping that it would one day just go away. Then my patients taught me that we could not transform our pain unless we face it, feel it, and go through it. In our pleasure-seeking society, we are often encouraged to avoid suffering at all costs. But the only way to navigate our challenges is to face them head-on and experience all of the emotions that arise within us.
Resisting discomfort just leads to more discomfort. So it’s important to allow and accept all of your feelings about what is happening in the world—anger, fear, sadness, guilt, or even curiosity and joy. Acknowledge your feelings without judgment, and you will find a way to greater peace and equanimity with life just as it is.
Find love everywhere
My patient Ted told me that he had just realized, on his deathbed, that love is the only thing that really matters in life, and many other patients had a similar epiphany. During times of great stress, it is helpful to remember that love deserves our greatest attention and focus. It may seem as if negativity is rampant in the world, but if you look for evidence of love, you will begin to find it wherever you go.
Set an intention to bring as much love as possible to your life and be willing to share small acts of kindness with others. Gradually you will see more light and positivity in the world around you. Find love everywhere
My patient Ted told me that he had just realized, on his deathbed, that love is the only thing that really matters in life, and many other patients had a similar epiphany. During times of great stress, it is helpful to remember that love deserves our greatest attention and focus. It may seem as if negativity is rampant in the world, but if you look for evidence of love, you will begin to find it wherever you go.
Set an intention to bring as much love as possible to your life and be willing to share small acts of kindness with others. Gradually you will see more light and positivity in the world around you.
Let go of past resentments.
Most of my hospice patients were working on the practice of forgiveness as they faced their last days. They told me they wanted to be at peace and couldn’t get there without forgiving others, being forgiven by people they had harmed, and forgiving themselves for mistakes.
Forgiveness is one of the most powerful actions we can take and frees up energy that we have invested in keeping old bitter memories alive. When we let go of our old anger and resentment, we experience an increase in wellbeing and vitality and can focus more on the present moment instead of living in the past. During a crisis, we benefit from maintaining a forgiving attitude because we can focus on love rather than blame for others.
Enjoy the present moment.
Hospice patients quickly learn to focus on the present moment because their future is limited, and the past doesn’t matter to them anymore. The rest of us usually spend our time shifting back and forth between worrying about what the future holds or reliving things that happened in the past. But life can only actually be lived in this present moment, right here and right now. Love, creativity, and joy only exist in the present moment, and my patients showed me that if you make the most of each and every moment, you can enjoy life no matter what is happening.
So if you are washing dishes, focus on just that task; if you are eating ice cream, think about nothing except the ice cream; if you are talking to a friend, give your full attention to every word that is shared. By being more present, you can recognize that life is actually okay right where you are, right now—there is nothing to fear or worry about in the present moment.
Learn from every experience
One of the most life-changing ideas that a hospice patient shared with me was that everything she experienced in her last weeks of life was her teacher. No matter what changes took place, she saw each new development as another opportunity to learn something. When I began to embrace that attitude, I found that I became upset far less often if something went “wrong” in my life. By focusing on learning as much as I can from the situation, I am less likely to judge events as negative and more likely to simply be curious: What can I take away from this?
There is actually much to learn from all of the changes occurring in the world right now. Remember to be a student of your own life and always look for more knowledge or wisdom to come from your experiences.
Ride the waves of life
Ultimately we have little control over most of the things that happen in life. Many of my patients laughed at their younger selves for believing that they could plan out their lives just as they wanted them to be. They talked about the peace they felt once they stopped trying
to control things, let go of their plans, and just accepted life as it is. When they surrendered to life, they had been given; they were much more able to practice forgiveness and enjoy the present moment.
oseph Campbell expressed this idea clearly when he wrote: “You must give up the life you’ve planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” This idea of letting go of our need to control things and learning instead to “ride the waves” that come our way is key to coping with crisis. When you accept that you can’t change what is happening, you can finally focus on making the best of how things are right now.
Let life change you
This was the final lesson I learned about living with my father’s death. For years I tried to return to my old self—the person I was before he died. I thought that my grief would not be healed until I was “back to normal.” But my hospice patients taught me that life is constantly changing, and you cannot go backward. In fact, the events of life are meant to shape you into who you came here to be, your True Self. When I allowed my life to shift to a new path, I was finally able to come to terms with my grief. I became a new and more authentic person.
Recognize that the current situation of this planet is unprecedented. These events are life-altering, and things will never go back to the way they were. We have to be willing to grow and evolve along with our world and accept the changes that have come to our lives. Then we can truly embrace our feelings, love freely, forgive, be present, learn, surrender, and become our best possible selves.
To fully adapt to this changing world, it is necessary to embody the spiritual wisdom that we have learned. Here are some practices that can serve your growth during this time:
- Spend time in solitude every day using meditation
or centering prayer on going within - Journal about emotional shifts and insights that
become apparent - Do one act of kindness every day
- Practice forgiveness on a daily basis for all the little
annoyances in your life - Find something to be grateful for each evening
before bed - Practice deep breathing to return to the present
moment - Be curious about everything that happens and ask
what you can learn
Remember that these difficulties we are facing will one day pass, only to be replaced by some other challenging situation. Life is a rich tapestry of experience with many different threads woven together to create the final pattern. Appreciate the picture of your life that is emerging day-by-day: unique, precious, and wonderful in so many ways. You are here to be part of a historical moment in time, so make the most of it and know that you are in the right place at just the right time.
