By Mari D. Martin
A devoted wife and author, Mari D. Martin, has released her inspiring new book Come Home Alive: The Power of Knowing How to Work Together to Make it Through the Crisis of Cancer, which details the difficult journey she and her husband Chris went through after he was diagnosed with stage four throat cancer. At the heart of the book is the couple’s love story, shared by the caregiver, to provide inspiration to other family caregivers that what they do day and night matters and to encourage the patient to never give up.
Determined not to let the cancer diagnosis take control of their lives, Martin and her husband set forth on a plan for him to come home alive. Their plan, rooted in faith and hope with daily time together and ended with a practice of thankfulness and expecting a miracle. Now they are sharing the steps that allowed them to get through their crisis. Still, in love as ever before, to encourage other couples and families facing similar health challenges so they may learn from their experience and have the faith to come out stronger in the end.
I often misplace things. The reason why is that I “casually set” items down; when I come into the house, the keys land on the counter, and my purse might drop to the floor.
Over the years, I have misplaced sunglasses, purses, and even credit cards. If it is not permanently attached to my body like mittens as a child that were clipped to the sleeve of my winter coat, I will tend to misplace it. My husband keeps saying, “if you would just put it in its place.” Oh, believe me, I would if I could, but my brain doesn’t work like that.
Over the years, with my husband’s help, I am getting better.
He is creating more places where things belong.
When I do misplace something, I have what I call the eighteen-inch rule. When I think about where I was last, it is there, probably right within those eighteen inches. That makes the search so much easier. If it is not there, then now that item may truly be lost.
There is another rule, and that is The Rule of Eighteen Months.
People, in general, get misplaced when we have to operate against our grain for over eighteen months. At first, we power down with willpower, gumption, and chutzpah. We can do anything we put our minds to doing. We compensate by using the stores of energy that we already have. We might tackle the effort differently just to accomplish what is necessary. But eighteen months seems to be the witching time—the outside barometer of tolerance.
At that point we are broken and no longer have the fortitude and energy to keep pushing the water uphill. As a society, from our experience of the last two years with COVID, we are on the outside limit of tolerance. Some have already been fully broken. We have been misplaced.
I had this conversation with my husband the other day.
He is in the second round of recovery and rehabilitation from Stage Four throat cancer. The first round was with radiation and chemotherapy in 2014. From that journey, he came home alive. This round, he is now recovering from a complete laryngectomy. The tumor came back in the same place, and the only option was surgical removal of the cancer. His vocal cords have been removed, and he needs to learn a new way to speak and communicate so those around him will understand. He is not making the progress he had imagined for himself. He is on the outside barometer of tolerance.
He has reached the Rule of Eighteen Months.
When we feel misplaced, we feel undeserving, valueless, worthless, and downright no good. We feel invisible. Having worth means, we are deserving; we possess merit; we have value. When you feel worn down, and you can’t stay afloat, even if it feels pointless, just keep staying afloat. If you are in that place today because of your role in your work, or in your church, or in your home, or as a teacher, a doctor, a nurse, or a caregiver, keep staying afloat. You are important. Your life is important. You are not invisible; you are real. You have worth. You are worthy.
Start with getting a Win; even a small win can turn the ship around.
If you have to write a list and put three things on it that you already did, do that so you can check those three things off. Small wins help you feel like you are accomplishing something. Getting a win reduces stress. The late basketball coach, John Wooden, had many principles on winning that don’t just apply to the basketball court; they apply to all areas of life. One of them, “little things make big things happen.” Seeking a win brings out the best in us because it engages our need for purpose. Winning through others brings on that same good feeling. Winning feels good because it releases chemicals in our brain.
“Serotonin is that good feeling,” says Loretta G. Breuning, Ph.D., and author of Habits of a Happy Brain.
This is why when my beloved Packers are poised to lose, I leave the room or switch the channel.
Look to The One who is in control. Whenever you feel crushed, under pressure, or pressed on every side, you are pliable for a powerful time of transformation. Don’t fight this, be open to it no matter the pain. To walk in a manner worthy of our calling is to act a certain way, by choice. When our lives are lived with a constant eye to pleasing the Ruler of our Life, we will be walking in a manner worthy. Live now in a way that brings glory to your Maker.
Read. Reading offers so many rewards that build your worth. Reading helps you develop your own way of thinking and point of view.
It gives you knowledge, broadens your horizons, and keeps your mind active and entertained. Reading reduces stress because you are forced to be still.
Reading takes your mind off of rejection. It helps to build your vocabulary, your communication, and language skills. It improves focus and concentration. You can look to books to help you when you are upset, depressed, lonely, or bored. Good books can alter the course of your life because they lead you in the right direction and guide you to the correct path in life. Christopher Reeve said, “once you choose hope, anything is possible.”
Reading gives us hope and makes anything possible. During this season of health turmoil and flux, I have especially appreciated the words of John Eldredge in, Get Your Life Back; and The Book of Two Ways by Jodi Picoult. My advice: go find a romance novel about redemption and experience your own redemption.
Be Grateful and Thankful. Being thankful brightens our spirits, makes a difference in the lives of others, and who knows, it might even change the world. Amy Morin writes in Psychology Today that seven scientifically-proven benefits of practicing thankfulness, “opens the door to more relationships improves physical health, improves psychological health, reduces aggression, helps improve sleep, improves self-esteem, and increases mental strength.” In Come Home Alive, I wrote, “we believed that God would heal Chris, but we needed to be a part of the equation. During our routine of praying together each morning, we gave thanks for each small yet potentially significant step in the healing process.”
Offload any Heaviness that you have. For years, a mother was carrying the burden of a lie that her daughter told her. She was waiting for her to come and make it right. Her daughter never did. On the mother’s dying day, she looked up and said, “what really happened on that night?” The daughter immediately realized her mistake.
Absolutely, her mom knew her lie. How could she have thought otherwise?
Mothers know a lot of things! Only at that moment did she realize the magnitude of her actions that weighed heavy on her mother. She was devastated because she had made her mom carry that burden for eleven years. After her death, she no longer would have the ability to influence her daughter’s life, and she wanted this to be a defining moment to refine her daughter and build her character for the life she was chosen for. The amazing thing is that by starting the conversation, both of them were released. She could look her daughter squarely in the eye and say, “I forgive you. Be at peace. All is well. Live your life worthy of your calling.”
Practice saying Yes. When we say “yes” or hear the word yes to our thoughts and ideas, that signals interest and respect. Yes is positive and invites possibilities. When I nod my head in affirmation when others are speaking, that gives them fuel for creativity. It creates a safe space for being valued and trusted. It says, “you matter.” If you think about it, the art of improv is to agree and add on. When we ourselves feel unworthy, getting into the practice of saying yes influences not only those around us but also ourselves.
Life is Improv. Agree and add on. By saying “yes,” you can be a change agent in someone’s life by championing for them at a time when they feel especially vulnerable. Make it a regular practice to seek opportunities to say the word–Yes.
Demonstrate Love. We feel especially vulnerable when there is little or no love in our life. Love someone, even though they appear unlovable with tubes coming out of their nose, or their stomach, or their mouth. During our two walks with the cancer diagnosis and treatment, a beautiful blessing that we had was abiding love.
In Come Home Alive, I write, “Love is wonderful yet scary, passionate yet loyal, complicated yet simple, tender yet playful, silent yet loud, difficult yet easy, indescribable yet intuitive, compulsive yet compassionate, hurt yet healed, romantic yet realistic, together yet not forfeiting selfhood, submitting yet not giving in, eternal yet filled with today—the here and the now, this very moment. Love is giving your whole heart away—every piece, every cell, every iota—knowing that it will be broken, aching and smashed to smithereens. Love is being so connected that you get your beloved, and he gets you. Love is an enigma, a beautiful mystery. Love is extending yourself and refreshing the other. Love is knowing and doing something about it.” When you extend yourself in unrestrained love to another, you too will feel worthy.
